Laughing Through the Tears: A Father/Daughter Love Story of Death and Recovery

32 Books About Death and Grief

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Of course the Brit in you remains still and stoic as the train does its thing before pulling away, and you continue filling your trolley with Granny Smiths. You live in fear of that. I only spoke to my parents, my husband and to my three-year-old. Job number one was to explain to her that her beloved aunt was dead.

I can barely remember it. I came up with a nonsensical story of her now being an angel, and a star in the sky and that whenever the sky was pink in the morning, it meant she was saying hello. Now, whenever the sky is pink, my daughter shrieks up to the sky excitedly. But it was all I had at the time. After Lucy was told she had cancer, it was the last time she and I ever looked at each other in the eye.

Take a pause, and give up on wishful thinking.

I know she felt the same. We knew that if we ever locked our gaze, that the tears would never stop. So it was better that way. Now I regret that, I regret not grabbing her and looking at her, deep into her soul, and telling her how much I admired her bravery. I know she knew, but did she actually know? The first is just silly. The second not so silly.

I was never one who feared death, really. I mean, I knew it would come, I just assumed it would be when I was an old lady, and I was fine with that. Now, I have a fear, in fact utter terror, not so much of death, but for what happens after death to the people who remain. The life change that happens to those people the minute they find out that their loved one is going to die. But I wasn't lucky enough. My dad realised that it would be better to start afresh than to remain stuck with my mother. And he set off.

So I was left with my mom, trying to please her desperately. I'll tell you how the world viewed her: She was THE woman we all wish to become. Bold, Educated, had no fear, Hard working, Honest, Caring, fun to be with, had a good sense of humour, spontaneous, had great social relationships with the In-Laws even after Divorce.. Behind this curtain of a perfect woman, there was another persona.

For me, she is a woman with a tough, unforgiving shell, who would remain 'right' than happy, who can and would spit out venom which has the ability to smother me forever whenever I protest, she would only care about my grade or the salary I am getting in my new job, so that she can brag about it, only maintained contact with the persons who admires her sincerely, will repeat the same old joke to everybody who meets her for the first time, can be absolutely charming to people who boosts her ego and colder than ice or even vengeful to those who tries to talk sense with her.

She had successfully ruined my other social relationships, just to be at the centre of my universe. So much so, that by college days, I had stopped going out with my friends, because I was not allowed to enjoy alone. Through out she behaved in a way as if she is my elder sister, step sister though. I had to take care of my grand mother, I had to take care of her and her friends and cousins, but I was not allowed to take of me. My fiance' wanted me to take care of myself. So that I can maintain a proper diet, an exercise regime, so that I get some relief from the back pain I am suffering from years, so that I can be have proper rest, so my mom intervened and poisoned my mind for what was more than a year.

So much so that I actually cancelled my marriage 25 days prior to the date. Then she was all happy and wanted to go for a fortnight long trip with me! That's when it hit me. It hit me hard when I saw her happy face.. I was there, an emotional wreck out of pain and guilt for ending a 12 year old friendship and relationship, and she was gleefully planning for a trip! A reality imposed by my mom, which says that she has sacrificed a lot for me, and now it is the pay back time and I need to make her happy at any damn cost!

I am still fighting with myself to act upon it, I am still trying to cut the chord, but at least now I know that I was fighting a loosing battle. I can never win love from a narcissist.

I adored my mum but there was nothing I could do to get her to love me back. I would write her notes telling her I loved her, buy her gifts, tidy the whole house and pick her flowers. I've been in chronic intense mental pain all my life, I'm 43 alone, suicidal and on the verge of homelessness. That Kelly Clarkson song 'because of you' give or take a few lyrics sums up how I feel about her now. For years that's my mother song. I remember telling my therapist about that song. Because of you, I never strayed too far from the sidewalk One thing I think is so often overlooked: An "unloved daughter" is most likely the daughter of a mother who also was maybe still is an "unloved daughter" herself.

I agree - it my case I think that my grandmother shut down emotionally after the death of half of her family - and did not show much affection to her kids. In my experience the task of identifying the problems imposed on us from unloving parenting is worthwhile. It is also only one step of the process of being well. Once we've fully owned that we grew in a toxic environment, I believe it's necessary to focus almost all of our attention on ourselves and what this life has made us into.

What I mean by this is that at some point we need to move beyond the toxic partent and toxic early life and face what we have become and what it means to heal.

A Reason for Hard Times

For me this was a reversal from my prior view. It means taking responsibility for who and what I am, and taking responsibility for becoming the person that I can be. This can be terrifying, because it can feel like no longer holding our toxic parent accountable. When I react to a life experience with a big emotional expression, my toxic mother is not there. Only I am there, and the heavy lifting of altering that reaction, of breaking the patterns and not wounding my children falls entirely on me.

There is a liberation in this change of viewpoint. Because when I take full responsibility for what and who I am, I am instantly in control of the entire realm, and I have the tools of change before me. So long as I associate my state to her, I have given up my control of my own life. This is just a perfect column and really hits the nail on the head for me I feel validated for a change.

What can you do when you are her caregiver and you constantly get treated like an employee? I can understand that some of the way she is was because she had a mother who was not demonstrative because of tragedies in her life, but I am constantly worn down by trying to please someone who is really never pleased for long. My father is an enabler and will rarely confront her. I'm afraid that all there is to do is to continue to learn about boundaries, and work to extricate yourself from being a caregiver. I put my mother in a house I own and it was a horrid decision.

All I know to do is wait for her to die and accept my mistake. Learning to love myself was the hardest part. Although I can't and don't know how to have a healthy relationship, I've learned to not be so angry like my mother, not be so negative, understanding my own uncontrollable emotions as an empath, I've also re-evaluated the relationship between me and those around me and have removed all those with negativity or causes them around me. Then it was learning about and understanding my own imperfections, instead of blaming people, I own up to my choices and reflect on why I made them, to accept and embrace my own imperfections.

I've learned to understand that we just need to learn how to cope with what we have and find happiness with what's on the table. There is one thing I haven't been able to change, is trust issue, having attachment phobia from fear of abandonment. I've deliberately made myself cold as ice to avoid chances of people abandoning me.. Because I know the feelings I get is unjust, and I do understand that things happen. But that feeling breaks me so much I can't bare to re-live it over and over again. Which just leads me to very unhealthy relationships I didn't want that negativity and drama wasting my head space..

However, I do believe, if it was meant to be, one day, I will find the right one.. And that's good enough for me. Apart from that, everything else in the post were spot on, it was was I did to heal myself and teach myself how to grow up. I've disowned my own mother for 16 years and counting..

The only fear is becoming her one day. And I try very hard to not do that.

Articles like these help. And also letting myself express my closet feelings in some sort of outlet.. My journey to recovery. Thank you for writing this.

I have had so much struggle in relationships that I have given up, it breaks my heart. I have accepted that they're not for me. After a chaotic childhood I just don't know how to be in a healthy relationship. Hope you find real happiness someday. I experienced many of the scenarios and feelings described in the article at the hands of my bully, my older sister, who still bullies and until recently whom I tried to please. For decades I thought my mother didn't love me because she "let" my sister bully me and instead told me to let it go, to ignore it, to rise above it.

I never associated my father as having let my sister bully me because he worked so much he likely didn't see it. Decades later, when I was around 30, my mother came with me to my therapist. I described how abandoned I had felt and still felt. She was very surprised and explained that she always had perceived me as very independent, whereas I had perceived myself as rejected and isolated. My relationship with my mother has healed, but my relationship with my sister exists only in regard to holidays with my parents.

I hate that my only sibling sees me as weird, and worthy of being rejected and openly criticized in large group settings for my relationships with friends and lovers, my personal experiences, my arts, my career choice, my finances, and my home. I have conceded that there's nothing I can do about it, despite having tried dozens of approaches to resolving things. Nonetheless, the scars remain and the wounds won't have a chance to heal until after my parents pass, and I hope and pray that's a long way off. I thought I was the only person to have a childhood like this.

The only difference was my father also didn't defend or protect me. And if anything he came across as unloving to me Bc of it. My mother also didn't defend me as a child. I always got u know how she gets, just stay away from her.

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Meanwhile my sis beat me down horribly with her nasty and cruel comments and words. So both my parents never helped me as a child. I had to fend dis myself and learn that I deserved all the harsh treatment I got from my sis. To this day my mom has passed but my dad still puts her up on that pedestal and I am the "f" up daughter. Don't think it's all my fault here. Yet people tell me that I can't blame my parents or my past.

So how do u move forward then. ESP when not much has changed. I'm still around my family a lot. ESP that I had to move back home with my father for financial reasons. With my two adult kids. And everyone in my life has run me down and hurt me terribly. ESP knowing I cannot put my boundaries up. Bc that's all u ever learned how to cope. Let people walk all over me. I'd suggest that people who tell us what we should do, be it "can't keep blaming our parents" or "just get over it" or any of a myriad of other suggestions, should go to hell.

If you need to find true accountability for how you were treated by a parent, then I suggest you do so as richly and constantly as you wish, and if you reach a point where it's no longer necessary to hold that thought, then that's when you'll let go of it. Those who invalidate our need for validation of critical sources of trauma, abuse with good intentions, in my opinion. I have an added difficulty When I finally got the courage as a suicidal teen to tell someone about the emotional abuse I was dealing with, I was told that I could have always been aborted or in an orphanage, and should be grateful I was adopted by a loving family.

Then my mom and dad were told of my accusations. Then I tried to kill myself and my mom was upset that I would embarass her like that. Now sometimes when I think about suicide, I smile at the thought of how hurt it would make her. I keep myself from actually doing it because I love my own kids, so no worries. But her comment made suicide more appealing. How screwed up is that? My mom brags on me to everyone, but tears me down in private. Years of hearing, "I adopted you.

I love you more than anyone else ever could, therefore I am going to have to be honest with you and tell you [insert some insult here]. Your friends don't love you enough to tell you. They probably laugh at you behind their backs because of [some trait she disapproves of]. Someone compliments me and I automatically assume they are giggling behind my back about whatever complement I just got. And yet, no one I'm not adopted, but I am from a family that everyone thinks is nearly perfect, and the reaction that Kim gets is the same I would get if I complain.

I do have a cousin who over heard the verbal abuse, so I have one relative who would believe. Most people in my community certainly view me as 'ungrateful' since I will not go along with the story that I am supposed to tell. Of course, the rest of the family just acts like I am the problem, and that I am the one needing counseling the counselor said ' no way - they need it more. When I was about ten, she told me that I was pretty on the outside, but ugly on the inside. I also tried to kill myself in my teens, and my parents were mostly just mortified by what 'everyone will say.

I used to wonder why I felt so empathetic towards characters in stories who were orphaned and keenly identified with them, and then as an adult I came to realize it was because I was unwanted and unloved, even though I was my mother's biological child. The deck was stacked against me, it would seem. My mother like several mentioned here by other posters had a serious Cluster B combo-pack of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Borderline Personality Disorder, and was fond of mentioning that she had never really liked children to the point of avoiding ever babysitting infants or children when she was a teen.

Mother also shared with me that she had felt very ambivalent about marrying my dad to begin with, and then although I came along 2 years after they were married mother felt that I had "trapped" her in the marriage. She also shared that she had somehow considered me to be a stand-in for her own older sister, whom she hated with every molecule in her body. Probably because I was the first-born, and a girl. So, I grew up feeling like I was always "in the doghouse" and not even knowing why; my very existence was resented. If I became ill or injured, I'd get screamed at for being clumsy and stupid, instead of comforted.

I was held to standards that very few if any children can meet: I grew up afraid of my own mother, who seemed to look for reasons to smack me around and even beat me. I was basically her human-shaped punching bag. And yet, I yearned obsessively for her attention and approval. Now, all this was going on behind closed doors in a very nice, safe, orderly and clean middle-class home in a middle-class neighborhood with well-trimmed lawns and well-maintained cars, nice furniture, nice clothes, and nice pictures of the family on holiday, etc. I thought having a mother who seemed to be angry at me pretty much all the time and barely tolerating me, was normal.

I thought it had to be me; I was told rather often that it was me, that something was badly wrong with me: I was unlovable, selfish, ugly, clumsy, stupid, and even repulsive. So, I hope that the issue of parents who aren't really mentally healthy enough to be parents, or who don't really like or want children but have them anyway because its "expected"? In fact, there is a very large and long-term study called the ACE study Adverse Childhood Experiences conducted by the CDC, that concluded that the higher your ACE score, the shorter your life will be due to illnesses and disorders caused by stress , and I can assure you that being unwanted and unloved, and having a parent or parents with untreated personality disorder s , will give you a high ACE score.

So thank you for this article; its important for the public to know about and discuss the issue of unloving parents. I'd enjoy hearing a discussion from the point of view that the reason the relationship has ups and downs is that the child as an adult goes through phases where they need. A parent and cannot essentially parent themself right then, which is what brings about the conflict and problem. Being the adult was how I survived since kindergarten Not a new strategy.

It's about committing to that forever and giving up the right to ever need anything from your oarent again, that is the true experience of the advice to reverse roles It doesn't feel like a strategy to begin. The family had been living in the West End in London, her mother an accomplished dressmaker, her father a carpet retailer. With her father still around, Gilbert's routine stayed largely the same, with the help of a housekeeper and aunties at the weekend. The difficulty came when my father died. Gilbert was nine when her father collapsed and died in the lounge, from heart failure.

She found herself orphaned, adrift in a world that refused to discuss grief or let her in on the deaths that affected her so seismically. The trauma of being a bereaved child amid this "conspiracy of silence" as she puts it, would go on to shape the rest of her life. I was at my auntie's house, I stayed there for a couple of weeks and I kept nagging, saying, 'Can I phone my dad, I want to speak to him' — it was only then that they told me.

I was the last to know. Gilbert has devoted her life to telling children the truth about death and hearing, in turn, their feelings about being bereaved. She set up the charity Grief Encounter, to offer counselling and support to children who have lost a parent or sibling. They need to be chief mourners and they need to be acknowledged.

I grew up with two feeling words — happy and sad — and there was nothing in between. Gilbert has very few memories of her mother dying, but her father's death was to wrench her from everything she knew. I was adopted by them and got three ready-made brothers, without whom I'd be a very different person to who I am today, and I actually had a quite secure and happy childhood with them. But nobody acknowledged the dark side. There was such enormous pain around for me as a child. In an effort to relieve her suffering, her aunt and uncle severed all links with her past life, as if they could erase the difficult territory of bereavement.

I know how close to the edge you can be as a bereaved child.

10 Things I Learned From Losing My Dad

I had this very happy persona — a false self, a mask. There were a lot of lonely tears at night. I felt very isolated. This was the s, yet Gilbert says that a great deal of the soft-soaping — the sanitisation of death in the name of protecting children — is still rife.

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