Blamers
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Your blaming, when it began, was probably an innocent defense mechanism designed to protect you from harm. If your sister was to blame for eating the cookies then she would be punished—not you. But sometimes blaming takes a turn toward the dysfunctional, when blaming becomes your default reaction to life, which then causes harm to you and others. Blaming, when dysfunctional, is a way to avoid and deny feeling what you are feeling. While it may not be conscious, blaming is something you do to get away from the feelings you do not want to feel. And it is true that you do feel when immersed in blaming, but you feel something other than what you would if you could not blame.
In this way, blaming conceals and distorts your real truth; you replace your feelings about what you are experiencing with feelings about who caused it. At its core, blaming is a form of self-abandonment and self-betrayal. Jon not his real name is driving his teenage daughter to a gymnastics meet. Traffic is dreadful and they are going to be late for this important event in her life. Jon goes to his default response, blame, accusing his daughter of dilly-dallying before getting in the car and other such crimes.
Introspection for Blamers and Shamers
Later, as I unpacked the event with Jon, it became evident that underneath the blame, there were in fact many emotions happening inside him. He felt heartbroken because he knew what the meet meant to her, and how hard she had worked for it. With the need to assign blame set aside, there was an opportunity for Jon to touch into his actual experience and feel the depth of his vulnerability and love, which thankfully, he was later able to share with his daughter.
Blaming keeps you safe from having to look at the gap between who you believe yourself to be and who you are. But in so doing, blaming also prevents you from being able to grow and change. Pointing the finger is a way to avoid responsibility, which ultimately keeps you stuck at the place from which you point. Her attention was perpetually focused outward, on changing him; he was to blame so he needed be fixed which was her job.
When he was fixed, then she would be happy in the marriage. After much suffering, Maggie became aware of how the blaming was prohibiting her not only from directly experiencing her unhappiness, but from honestly addressing what needed to happen because of it.
How to Deal With Blamers | PairedLife
If this was the state of the marriage, what then? Set an intention make a decision to stop your blaming behavior. Write down or tell a friend about this decision. If possible, begin a journal dedicated to your evolution from blaming. Make a conscious effort to become more mindful of your blaming behavior. When you are able to catch the impulse to blame before it happens , create a pause, be silent and take 2 deep breaths.
Then, make a different choice. Remember however, breaking the blaming habit is a process that takes time. You will not be able to catch yourself before you blame on every occasion; it may be quite a while before you can catch yourself at all. It is a huge step just to notice your habitual reaction to blame, even if it is after the fact. But the more you practice, the more you will be able to interrupt the process before it happens and blessedly respond in a new way and from a different place.
Now she was onboard. If I had held my tongue, we would have remained at logger heads. Look for the brilliance.
Those who always blame others for their problems are considered blamers, a specific type of negative person. Here are ways to deal with them. But this family member is also a blamer. We all know a blamer—most families have at least one. This weekend, my daughter falls down, skins her knee, and is.
When someone is blaming either someone else or you, be sure to actively listen with empathy. This can be difficult. It can be painful to hear someone trash your best efforts. It will help to focus on your breath so that you can stay out of going to your lizard brain and activating your limbic system the fight or flight response. My husband was upset with me a few nights ago and asked that we talk about the topic on Sunday morning.
This was really effective. I had time to reflect and he had time to reflect.
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We were in a better space to listen and be empathetic. Make space to listen.
Respond looking for solutions. Did anything good come out of the situation? Blamers typically want to dwell on how bad everything is. It focuses on what can be versus what was. Come from a place of love.
HI Helen, Yes indeed, we need tools in our toolbox for the family holidays! Lot of confusion,guilt washed away from my mind.. Even if your way is better, you cannot reason with a blamer. James, it's very brave of you to acknowledge your tendency to blame others. If a blamer narcissist makes a mistake they tend to blame others immediately and start the attack on another person or persons before they can be caught in their wrong doings. I've noticed that I am a blamer in situations with my children when they get hurt or in trouble and need to do better at empathizing, too, and would like to thank you for helping me realize it. They kill your confidence with a single remark, twist your good news into bad news in seconds, make a happy, healthy person depressed, and they generally just make life miserable.
Base yours in love. Realize their actions are based in fear. Often, these fears are ones that no one can reach because they are too deep-seated for the person to acknowledge.
Accept that, and continue to operate from your own base of love. Having an open heart and compassion for others helps me see the good in all people regardless of the facade they may be exhibiting.
Definition of 'blamer'
We all want to be loved, happy and at peace. Let it go; visualize yourself blowing it all into a balloon, tying it off, and letting it drift away.
Feel lighter because of it! Another practice is to clench your hand in a fist with your anger towards the blamer, and then release.
Let the blame dissolve into the ether.