Expectations
One member of a couple might expect the other to make coffee. This is fine and good if the other person is happy to do so. But what happens if the other person has no interest in living up to that expectation? We feel shocked, morally indignant, and resentful. Expectations are premeditated resentments. It should be easy to think of examples in your own life where you have felt resentful toward people who did not live up to your expectations. It is certainly easy enough to find examples on the Internet.
For example, Dawn Sinnott writes:. I planned it so perfectly. I would throw a surprise party for my best friend on my birthday.
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She walks in the door. She greets everyone and thanks them for coming.
She seems to be happy, yet I know her better than anyone. I start to feel upset. I start to feel annoyed. I start to feel resentment.
All the planning, all the work, giving up my birthday celebration. Marianne Along the Side of the Road gives us a whole list:. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment also involves resentment. Why is it that we don't get upset when a cup of coffee does not make itself, but we might get upset if someone else does not make us a cup of coffee?
Where do we get the sense of power to think that merely expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? And what entitles us to get angry at other people when they fail to meet our expectations? My research on moral psychology tells me that expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract.
Expectation
That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a "deal" in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about.
It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, Mary Schaefer writes about how she listened to a friend's problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.
Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations, because adults have the authority to run a household.
- What is expectation? definition and meaning - bahana-line.com.
- The Psychology of Expectations | Psychology Today?
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As the father of four sons, I would agree that we should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents' expectations all the time?
Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow into their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.
You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that Steve Lynch writes, "The expression should actually be phrased as 'Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic.
Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interests can be realistic. It is difficult to locate the exact origin of the slogan, "Expectations are premeditated resentments. Alcoholics and addicts tend to be so impaired by their substance abuse that they are unlikely to live up to anyone's expectations.
Not having expectations for chemically impaired persons is necessary for keeping one's own sanity. This is because each of us, as an adult, has our own desires and agendas. We want to do what we think is in our own best interest. If we expect other people to act in ways that are not consistent with their own interests, they will probably resist our expectations, leaving us resentful.
Furthermore, the person is likely to resent you, too see Jeff Kesselman's comment on resentments. After all, how do you feel when people expect you to do things that are inconsistent with your own goals and values? Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about, even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.
If not, it can't be helped. I agree with this approach but I struggle with reconciling this position with coworkers who are non cooperative and damage team cohesion because their own agenda over rides agreed work place rules. Such as showing up to work on time. In the workplace the social contract is formalized. There are expectations, sometimes even in writing, for what employees are expected to do in return for salary and benefits.
- expectation | Definition of expectation in English by Oxford Dictionaries?
- Expectation - Wikipedia.
- Racism and Education: Coincidence or Conspiracy?;
I saved the files in the expectation that they would be useful in the future. There is widespread expectation that the strike will be settled soon. The crowd waited in expectation of her arrival. Recent Examples on the Web In truth, much will depend on who handles the expectation and the gravity of the situation the best. First Known Use of expectation , in the meaning defined at sense 1. Learn More about expectation. Resources for expectation Time Traveler! Explore the year a word first appeared.
expectation
Dictionary Entries near expectation expectancy expectant expectant mother expectation expectation of life Expectation Sunday Expectation Week. Time Traveler for expectation The first known use of expectation was in See more words from the same year. More Definitions for expectation. English Language Learners Definition of expectation.
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Kids Definition of expectation. More from Merriam-Webster on expectation See words that rhyme with expectation Thesaurus: All synonyms and antonyms for expectation Spanish Central: Translation of expectation Nglish: Translation of expectation for Spanish Speakers Britannica English: Translation of expectation for Arabic Speakers Britannica.
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