The Mans Handbook for Choosing the Right Woman: What Makes Men Afraid of Settling Down

Why So Many Of Us Marry The Wrong Person

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It is really hard to break up with a nice guy. It's often easier to break up with cheater or a liar although far too many women don't do that when they should either! But when it comes to nice guys, it can be hard to figure out why you aren't happy together. The reality is, he may be a solid, good guy on his own.

But as a couple, the equation does not add up. The idea of "two becoming one" should not equal instant discomfort. However, when the relationship is solid and true, there is very little doubt, internal conflict or questions.

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And for the naysayers, I said very little doubt; I did not say no doubt whatsoever. I encourage women and men, too! Write them down -- articulate them. Consider how the relationship might look ten years in the future. And if none of that helps I share a favorite quote from the author Mignon McLaughlin: And the million dollar question -- why no men in this study? I chose to focus my research on divorced women. But I did talk to a lot of men along the way, too. And yes, men do talk themselves into marrying the wrong girl.

What was interesting is that the men's reasons for saying "I do" when they wanted to shout "I don't" tended to be more "other-centered" than many of the women. I do want to point out that these findings also apply to people who have never married, yet choose to stay in long-term, unproductive, sometimes soul-crushing relationships. They cite many of the same reasons: And finally, a caveat for our gay friends.

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Now that they have the right to legally marry in some states, I hope they take heed and make sure they are marrying the right guy or girl for the right reasons. So let this be a lesson to you. It doesn't matter if you are male or female, straight or gay, young or old, divorced, never married or never-want-to-get married-again. Don't talk yourself into any relationship. Especially not for any of these reasons.

Your future happiness depends on it. Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Based on my research, here are the five most common reasons cited for marrying the wrong guy: Go to mobile site. He either never lets them fully in, always keeping them at a distance or cheats, abuses, or witholds sex or affection from time to time. Other men who are afraid of relationships never even try to settle down: They're the bachelors at 40, never having married; the charming uncle who never brings the same woman to gatherings more than once; or the man who says he wants something long-term but distracts himself with types who are completely in appropriate, so the relationship never has any real chance of going anywhere.

If you have become involved with a man you believe has a fear of relationships, talk to him about it. Tell him what you believe and what you see, and do it in a casual, nonjudmental manner. If you really want to make a romantic relationship with him work well, offer to go to couples therapy to help him - and you, too! There is hope for men who are afraid of relationships, but they must be disciplined about trying to change and honest with themselves about how dysfunctional their romantic life has been as a result of their relationship fears.

Gender Differences Among Dating Couples. Behavior Modification , April , 24 2 , Why is the subject focused on men when the effect of relational trauma on subsequent adult relationships is not gender specific? The clue is probably in the title! It's an article about men who are afraid of intimacy.

Wouldn't it not be a bit odd to focus on females as most of the PT content usually does? I thought the article was excellent. The title is irrelevant. The effect is not gender specific and the title and the article fallaciously suggest otherwise. How do you know the effect is not gender specific?

Do you have any studies to show this? I'm sure there are effects that are common to both genders, but surely there are some effects which are unique to each gender. For instance, the different socializations genders are exposed to, as explained in the article. Also, the article attempted to explain why men are generally more afraid of intimacy. If the effects were not gender specific, then surely there would be no difference? The effect is gender specific because men handle or don't handle their emotions differently than women.

Men are generally confused and frustrated, even anxious, when it comes to understanding, labeling and dealing with their emotions. They tend to shove it down and away until it doesn't seem so "present" and they can forget about it. They do not heal from their emotions, they just turn the light out and hope the darkness is real disappearance when really it is just an illusion.

This sounds like the collective knowledge of what the hens at the office coffee station know about the workings of the male mind My early attempts at love resulted in painful hurt. I married for more practical reasons -- she was good for me and compatible in many ways. I believe that she settled for me as well. Not being in love made the relationship possible. It's like living with my best friend and once and awhile we have sex which is ultimately unsatisfying for both of us.

I sometimes start to feel strongly for some woman I work with, but I just suppress that feeling, knowing I can only make a fool of myself. I want to be free of this marriage, but for what? Now after 25 years, I can see that love would have made our relationship better, but then, if no one is stepping up to the love plate for you, settling for a no love relationship may be better than being alone. I think you made a wise decision in picking a the lifetime partner. Being married isn't just about love, other trait such as being loyal is a self control attitude that you choose to demonstrate every time a temptation seems trying to pull you out of your vows.

It's a similar consciousness to maintain a job, stay on a diet, save for retirement, but ironically many don't have such discipline to a small degree, let alone for a marriage. Feeling in love is so inflated through media these days, no wonder it's so confusing. If you respect your spouse, and vice versa, that's love already. Love intensity is measured through a long period of time, how to sustain the connections is what matters. Being alone isn't so much a bad stigma these days compared to the angst and depression a person would suffer in an unhappy marriage, life in hell so to speak.

I disagree with the bias in article that unmarried guys over 40 are seen as lifetime bachelors?? How about over 50 and still single, considering we're living much longer these days. I would imagine that men would become much fearless at their 40s and would make them truly confident, ripe life partners. I am the same. I married my wife for practical and financial security reasons and never loved her or felt any sexually attraction to her. As a matter of fact I can't even stand to see her naked.

But although the sex was pretty well nonexistent from the start I have stayed on as we did manage to have two children through artificial insemination and I believe they deserve a mother and father living under the same roof with them. But being sexually lonely is a constant strain on my mental health and I am now going on 20 years since I last had skin to skin sex with anyone. I still have a huge sex drive and even in my late 50's I masturbate twice a day every day. In many ways my life is way better now than it was when I was single but in my single days I had lots of sexual partners and I guess losing that was the price I had to pay for financial or domestic stability.

Something I never had growing up with alcoholic parents. I guess we are the same. Same type of marriage, same alcoholism in the family and same search for the stability we missed growing up. I find ways around my loneliness. It's not what I wished for but it does help. And I still have hope that I'll figure everything out and not be afraid anymore. Failing that, maybe reincarnation is real and I'll get a second third? Does your wife know you are the dirt of the earth? I suspect you paint a much a different picture to her! You sound pathetic and disgusting in your disrespectful description of your marriage.

You should divorce your wife immediately and NEVER get involved again because you don't deserve a good woman. You're a real gem Lisa. Must be nice being so perfect. All roses and unicorns as I'm sure you will profess. I guarantee you your husband resents you and is not letting on about it and banging women that aren't overbearing zealots. You are part of the problem you judgemental fuck. My marriage is great!

I think it was selfish of you to marry this woman knowing that. You should have seeked professional help first. I believe both of you guys are unhappy and lonely in your marriage and it probably shows through to the children. You are living like roommates. We have been married for 30 years. I think the solution would be an open marriage and a couple of therapists we went to also suggested that. But my wife refused. This article really answered many of my questions. I am attracted to a man whose wife cheated on him and left him with his 3 small children. The children just came of age and have moved out.

He lives alone and although nice and can carry a conversation he does not seem to be close to anyone in particular. He wife was a real nut case and it seems to run genetically in her family. I heard he was really in love with her. He now gives the appearance of distance to anyone and does not let any woman close to him. Funny thing is I went through the same thing almostto the tee,although I am attracted to him I keep my distance. We know we are attracted to each other but thats about it. We keep our distance. Although I am lonesome, the thought of a relationship just paralizes me.

I just can't do it. I feel like I live in a catatonic state most of the time, like I am outside looking in on life and just going through the motions. Ever since I started dating as a teenager I found that after 3 or 4 sexual encounters with the same woman, no matter how I felt about her, I would suddenly shut down sexually, unable to perform experiencing various sexual dysfunctions.

For many years I attributed this to being easily bored sexually and when the sexual dysfunction symptoms would crop up, I would simply break off the relationship and move on to another until the pattern would repeat and I would move on again and again. None of these relationships ever lasted for more than a few weeks, at most a couple of months depending on the frequency of sexual relations.

I was mainly concerned with building a career in my 20's and 30's so the lack of any kind of romantic relationships didn't bother me. As long as I could have sex a few times a month I was satisfied. Luckily I was fairly good looking so never had a problem getting women to go out with me. It wasn't until I married at age 40, wanting to have children and be part of a family that this loss of sexual arousal after just a few times having sex began to complicate my life.

It happened while dating my wife and although I wasn't going to tell her it was because I was bored with her sexually what I believed was the cause I played dumb and and told her i didn't know what the problem was that was causing me to be unable to get an erection during sex with her.

My soon to be wife, ever the optimist, said not to worry that we would seek therapy after we married. We did just that but the months of therapy turned into years and one therapist turned into three all of whom threw in the towel as did my wife who found the various treatments and exercises the Sex Therapists gave us what they called "homework" to be frustrating and very damaging to her self esteem. This was because after awhile, with therapy obviously not working, she began to blame herself and her own sexual attractiveness.

So after three years in an unconsummated marriage my wife gave up on therapy and settled into a sexless marriage the best she could. I continued on in therapy with various psychologists and a psychiatrist but again none of them could figure out what the problem was.

Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

My sexual functioning was fine when I masturbated alone. And I did have two very brief affairs in those first 5 years of marriage and again the functioning was fine until after less than a half a dozen sexual encounters with these women then again I would lose sexual arousal and be unable to perform and I broke off the relationships. In our 6th year of marriage we decided to seek fertility treatments so we could have children.

The fact that I could have success masturbating alone meant we were able to have artificial insemination which worked great and we had two children in the space of 4 years. After the last child was born he is now 17 we never spoke of our sexual difficulties again and the marriage has now been sexless for a quarter century. I really miss skin to skin sexual contact with women but after my kids were born I gave up on affairs and accepted I probably would never have sex again for the rest of my life.

To me keeping the family together was more important that having sex although I was and am angry that it has to be one or the other. This despite a strong sex drive that hasn't grown any less as I got older. Masturbation alone has been my only sexual outlet. A couple of years ago I read an article about intimacy anxiety and how a childhood full of trauma and family of origin dysfunction my parents were violent alcoholics who hated each other and fought constantly can cause what is called an "attachment disorder" which in turn causes intimacy anxiety.

At first I was skeptical because I never felt any conscious anxiety at all when having sex, even when I was dating and would suffer from an inability to get an erection with a partner. Thinking it was simple boredom I would apologize, get out of bed and never see the woman again. But the article I read went on to say that often intimacy anxiety is subconscious and any time I began to get close to a woman in a relationship my intimacy anxiety alarm bells would go off causing my body to release stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline that shut off sexual arousal like a light switch.

Sexual boredom was all I ever thought it was but after reading more on intimacy anxiety I now feel that this is what was causing my sexual difficulties and what has caused my marriage to remain unconsummated and sexless for so many years. I simply cannot function sexually in a relationship unless I can keep the partner at arm's length emotionally. Something that is impossible when you live with someone in a marriage.

It is too late for anything to be done as I am now in my 60's. But I hope my story might cause someone else who suffers from this to take this information with them to their Doctor or Therapist. Its not too late. Get help for you and yoy wife. I know lots of people who have sex into their 80s! Hello SamC, I just came across your article and I hope you'll get this comment because yours is one of the most insightful and honest commentaries I've read in a while.

A lot of women are quite absorbed in their own needs not necessarily because they are selfish and are really not able to understand the connection between lets's say a future mate's background and how he behaves on the dating scene. Women's fear of intimacy manifests itself in different ways and so while we all seem to be worried about the same thing, maybe we aren't expressing that fear because we aren't actually conscious of the cause.

So thank you so much for such an honest account. Women may feel intimacy anxiety but it doesn't prevent them from functioning sexually like it does with men. The inability to get or keep and erection during sex or the inability to orgasm are the two main symptoms of the loss of sexual desire that intimacy anxiety within and emotionally close relationship can cause. Your problem is all in your head! Sexual desire starts and stays in the head You should be ashamed that you have treated your wife the way you have. You need to realize that it's you and your fear of intimacy that is causing you not to perform sexually.

You need to learn to over come the fear.

Start by learning about fear it's self and then honestly ask yourself why you afraid of repeated sexual encounters with the same person. I suspect that your therapist have told you the exact same thing Your thoughts could come across better if your delivery was better.. Just a thought, you are coming across heartless. I think you should seek therapy or seek counseling, you have a deep rooted issue. I did read a very good article about masturbation and pornography that was very interesting.

Seek professional help and also medical help. I dated a man who's first girl friend cheated on him and then fell from a 9 story building. I went with this man for 27 years and finally said we get married or I am out. We all need intimacy, and will seek it, one way or another.

Maybe your husband's criticizing you, subconsciously, is a way to 'connect' with you - I know it sounds strange, but maybe it is the only way he knows how. Do your best to keep a healthy balance between the two. It is the best remedy to fix any relationship problem. Again, communication is key. You both should know what is stifling to each other and areas where you both want to depend on each other versus areas in which you both need independence. Balance between the two is important and the best way to find balance is to share and discuss what works and does not work for both of you.

I fit all of the above paragraphs in this article. I just got out of a relationship, in which I am mostly to blame because of the above reasons. I refused to go to couples therapy because I said "I just do not want a girlfriend". I would seem to have a lot of work to do to make myself into a healthy half of a relationship. Why would I make such an effort? I do want intimacy, but not daily. I do want a sexual life, but not daily. Do I just seek a woman who wants similar things? Or go full force into "fixing myself" and try to fit into a full time relationship? I guess I could try the "part time" thing, assuming I could find a participant.

Any constructive thoughts are welcome. Ummm you might "make the effort" because it could make you a better, healthier human being. And as a better and healthier human being you might be able to create an strong intimate relationship that brings happiness and joy not only to you but to your partner, any children you may have and even friends, acquaintances and the wider community.

Sound like something that might be vaguely worth it? The dirty little "secret," that the author didn't have the nerve to make explicit, is that the trauma in childhood was almost always from abuse by a FEMALE i. Nice try sanitizing the discussion into a PC denial of any fault in women. It's WOMEN that cause fear of intimacy in men -- they learned from their mother that it's not safe to trust a woman. Elephant, the fact that parents can cause immense psychological damage to their children is not a secret or a "secret. I'm a woman and my father's and brothers' verbal, emotional and physical abuse of me throughout my childhood and young adulthood left me with a deep-seated fear of intimacy and of men.

I'm 50 years old now and I've pretty much accepted that, while I'm better able to handle closeness now than say in my 20s, the fear will always be there. Abuse moves in all directions. Please don't let your bad experiences lead you to woman-is-the-problem thinking. He never said parents and he's not referring to adult romantic relationships. He's referring to the psychology behind the effects a man's first relationship in life - with his own mother - will have on his emotional development which will ultimately follow him throughout his entire life.

You are correct Kerry. Except you seem stuck on this idea of 'fault' which keeps you in that victim mindset.

If this article was about women, for example, it would be just as correct to say that MEN cause our fear of intimacy it did for me, because of my emotionally abusive father. Thing is though, this information is good to know as you process the pain you went through, it's crucial that we know why we have the problems we do and who caused it. But beyond that, the truth is that our parents truly didn't know better. There are many, many good women and men out there. When we heal we will not be creating dysfunctional relationships anymore. That is exactly what happened to me, and it's actually pretty hard.

They key was that I understood that my father is severely lacking and there's nothing I can do about it besides be the best version of me, and that continuing to blame him will not move me forward. It is interesting that people with intimacy difficulties whether caused by childhood trauma or not like sex for sex's sake and some actually end up with problems of acting out sexually- mainly women as it is easier for them to have sex with multiple partners without entanglements It is only when a relationship starts to move beyond the first few dates that the intimacy alarm bells starts to go off causing them to run the other way.

For women these "alarm bells" manifest themselves as fear or a feeling of emotional discomfort. For men the symptoms are far more serious as the intimacy anxiety shuts down their ability to perfprm sexually with that person. I recommend an excellent book: I am attracted to men who have a fear of intimacy, altho usually it is not extreme. But it still causes problems - I have felt hurt and rejection by it. I do want to share with all of you that Love, which I have experienced, is Incredible - there is nothing else like it. When you are in love, and the other person loves you, too - you finally understand what all the love songs are about, why they make romantic movies, etc.

It is Magic - like winning the million dollar slots at Vegas emotionally. Also, I am not judging anyone here, but I, myself, will not stop seeking someone to love. And, definitely will NOT stop having sex. And the cuddling and touching of each other - not just sexually feels SO great. As for myself, am actively working on NOT dating men who are emotionally unavailable. I am still attracted to those who are, and because of my OWN traumas, I think I will always be attracted to them.

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