Successful Second Marriages

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We had our daughter after 7 years of marriage. Son 7 years later.

Highs were great, lows were awful. We finally separated and divorced, which took us 3 years! I remarried after dating a total knuckle head for 2 years. We knew each other for 4 months before he proposed, huge diamond engagement ring and all. His two adult sons gave us nothing but grief. My daughter did the same.

The only one who gave us zero problems was my youngest son. I rushed into this, We really don't have anything in common at all. If I could go back in time, I would have waited! I had no reason to rush into a wedding on the beach in the Bahamas. I agree with the idea that good statistics are important. However, to say that we dont' think they are true doesn't make them untrue. As an general practise attorney doing a fair amount of family law, I tend to believe that perhaps the detailed numbers may be open to debate, but the premise has a lot of validity.

Those who get divorced tend to blame it on the other, thus creating the strong chance the same mistakes will be repeated, just with another. Our obsession with soul mates creates the mindset that if it isn't easy, it isn't "real". Our obsession with happiness means we don't consider that we maybe unhappy and married, but not unhappily married. I wonder how affair partners who marry can trust each other enough to make it work.

I often joke with other attorneys that I would like a government grant to study the divorce rate among my client who need the decree by Monday so they can re-marry on Saturday. Again, good, "hard" numbers would be nice. But the real question is how do we increase the odds of a marriage being "sucessful", no matter the first or the fifth. Pty, This is a great insight from someone who sees matrimonial problems everyday. You should not consider dumping your wife or husband if the real issue is depression or lack of MOJO.

The brain loves novelty, so the next lover will be fun, but may will get old as you realize that you may have lost a lot. I agree with your point about hard numbers. It would be nice to get better numbers, but the trend does resonate with those in the business. In my experience and I know this is not representative I'm not being adroit, just honest.

Most who have experience with people, friends, family In all of this, one thing is overlooked too often My ex abused me, and his first wife, and both of our children but he is charming and wealthy and powerful, and the two of us are now holding our breath in hopes that maybe victim 3 will finally open the eyes of family court and bring some safety and justice that this man and many many others can so easily escape.

Marriage is not always an "it-takesto-tango" institution, and articles like this scare me because it is sooooo easy in our society to find any excuse to try to even things out, to blame victims because they fell prey to predators, or because of pocket psychological excuses.

I have been trying to find the actual study done by Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Psychology. It bothers me that I have been unable to locate the actual study but keep being sent to references to the study instead. It bothers me that a psychologist rather than a sociologist is being referenced on a topic of social trends. Last I checked the area of specialization of a psychologist is the workings of individual minds.

Sociologists on the other hand are trained in identifying social patterns involving large numbers of individuals. I want to see this study and understand how Jennifer Baker came to this conclusion before I can assign value to the statistical assertions. Where is the actual study? Baker arrive at this conclusion? While I empathize with your frustration of not finding the Baker study, I must disagree with you about the alleged difference between psychologists and sociologists researchers. Most psychologists today work with the whole family system in mind, if not the family or marriage itself.

They are acutely aware of social trends. Most doctorate level psychologist have a dissertation that delves deep into research of all kinds and or is an actual experiment itself whether it be more general sociological or individual psychological. But even this dichotomy is false, in a sense. There is so much more to the research of human behavior that to split the concepts along these lines is too ignore the amazing and multi-factored complexity that researchers face everyday.

I've known sociologists that couldn't do research to save their lives and psychologists that couldn't research their way out of a wet paper bag. Even then, there are excellent sociologists that do individual case studies and excellent psychologists that do general sociological trend studies. There is a lot of overlap.

Sadly at this time I am too ashamed to not be anonymous, I am separating from my 4th wife after 3 years, my 1st victim had a practicing alcoholic on her hands, after 7 years it was enough,I sobered up. I really hope life improves. Alanon sounds like a great step. I hope healthy love enters your life and those around you. I don't know you so I can't comment directly about your case.

You may want to look at some of my pieces on marriage and intimacy. I was previously married to a woman when I was 27 years old, but that marriage failed after less than 1 year. We had no children, so we were able to go our separate ways relatively easily. My second marriage took place over ten years later. At 37, my second wife was also a divorcee with no kids, and whose first marriage ended like mine within a year, and without children involved, awhile back.

Because our previous marriages were such utter catastrophes and ended so quickly and so long ago, we both considered our respective divorces as part of our distant past. We have been married for a few years now have a beautiful 1 year old child, but we are constantly fighting like cats and dogs over virtually everything.

We cannot seem to effectively manage our personal finances mostly my fault for starting my own business at a difficult time , our sex life is nonexistent, and she has become virtually intolerable to be around as a depressed stay-at-home mom. She cannot handle an ounce of criticism, and lashes out at me and even her own family for everything, yet she refuses to go back to work and put our child in daycare. I am very reluctantly considering getting a second divorce. This one would be far more traumatic and painful, as there is a 1 year old child involved, and so we would not make that choice lightly.

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However, the situation has become so bad on so many levels, I am not sure it can be salvaged or should be. Perhaps the "I got divorced before, and survived it" notion is part of our thought process somehow, but I don't really see our respective first marriages as particularly relevant since there were no kids involved, and few entanglements. In fact, in some way, we are both concerned that if we divorce again, we will start to look a bit nutty, who will assume that we are both incapable of handling normal healthy relationships.

So, if anything, being previously divorced has actually made us LESS likely to jump into a divorce again. My point is that statistics with respect to marriage and human relationships can be simplistic and deceptive, and don't accurately always capture the complexities of human relationships. This is such a valuable point.

Statistics do not apply to individuals. This includes divorce statistics. Many don't want to go through divorce again, understood. You may want to look at my articles on intimacy and marriage. Often we trigger each other in damaging ways in marriage. Resentment then takes over. The key is often to get the right therapist to help detoxify the negative aspects of a relationship and set the marriage up for success.

After being married about 8 years with three beautiful children my husband and I started talking separation. That wasn't working so I started strongly considering divorce. Through reading this book together and living out what it says our marriage has changed in big BIG ways! Now we're going on 11 years married and I'm finally married to my BEST friend - all with the same man. I have been in an ugly marriage for a long time, but praise God, it's not ugly anymore!

And I offer that if it takes turning to religion to save marriages, then we're in some seriously deep trouble.

Jennifer, This is a testimony that needs to be heard about more often. The resentments that get built up in marriage can be huge. You can come home annoyed and depleted everyday. Yet, often this is a self perpetuating cycle that can be fixed. What's needed is GOOD therapy and some hope.

Improving the Odds for Successful Second Marriages

I am eight years into my 3rd marriage. We dated two years before we married. She has three children that I have helped raise. They were 3,6 and 8 years old when we joined together. I have four adult children which none of mine live with us. I left my home with my adult twin girls and moved in with her.

I am so unhappy now I can't believe it. I did everything a person could do before getting married again. Went to counseling, attended divorce recovery class at church,had premarital classes with her. What I didn't see was this was all about her. Her kids her happiness. I love her kids and they love me. Their father is a alcoholic that she left after 14 years of marriage. She recently admitted she had the kids in hopes of changing him.

She has no respect for me, does not care or help me if I get sick and need rest or quite time. She gets mad at me if I don't do for her kids but turns on me if I try to correct them. She has taken me for granted to long.

18 Celebs Who've Made Their Second Marriage Last

I want out but I don't want to hurt the kids. I will never marry again. Its so hard to join two families together. My kids stay away because they know where she stands. I have kept my own records on divorce of people for 20 years. I own a small company with lots of contacts,I make notes on every divorce I hear about.

Thank you for letting me sound off. To cut the long story short: I'm single, never married. She's 3 times divorced with 3 kids. Her ex-husbands pay alimony but I'm still expected to be the "man of the house" for the most part, which was fine by me. She would get angry if I did not spend time with her kids because she wanted a sense of family.

I can understand that. But what did not sit well with me was that while I was to shoulder the burden of being the "man of the house", I was at the same time a Second Class Family Member and never part of "her inner circle" consisting of her immediate family members - Herself and her kids again. When I argued with her, she would gang up against me with her kids and it would be so many against myself.

What a lousy deal! Having to shoulder the responsibility of "man of the house" yet a Second Class Family Member whom the rest woman and kids can turn against at a whim. It does say that the Man is to love his wife, but a wife is to respect her husband. Only a bozo marries a woman or man who is 3X divorced with kids and thinks it is going to not suck big time.

If she's collecting alimony then no matter how much time you spend with her kids you are NOT the man of the house. Problem being a 2nd class family member? That probably describes most husbands' situations. Generally speaking, single moms will see a guy as a pay check.

When things get tough they start looking elsewhere. Easy enough to do in this legal environment.

My heart aches for you. I know what it feels like to live with someone and love the children of the relationship but continue to be hurt the most by the person you committed to - and they to you. Find a Christ following church, seek the Lord and wise, godly counsel. Everything around us may fall away but never give up your hope in the Lord. Above all, He is the one who got me through.

In addition, it really helps if each partner is open to new experiences, even some things that may have been tried and rejected in a prior marriage e. So much of a relationship is about fit.

Why are second and third marriages more likely to fail?

The more your lives naturally overlap, the easier the process of working out the rough edges. Kalman Heller is a retired psychologist who ran a successful private practice. He previously wrote a monthly column for a local newspaper, and later took his "ParenTalk" column online. This article is reprinted from his online column with his permission.

Improving the Odds for Successful Second Marriages. Retrieved on September 17, , from https: Find help or get online counseling now. Understanding Why the First Marriage Ended in Divorce This is a critical step for each person going through a divorce and is one reason why I strongly recommend divorce counseling even when there is no desire or possibility of staying together. I will just note a few of them here: The ability to adjust to the arrival of children changes in roles and expectations Being able to adjust to the inevitable personal changes of one or both partners we should be evolving over the course of our lives and our needs and behaviors are likely to change with time A successful marriage requires a constant process of adaptation to the changes, both expected and unexpected, that are absolutely going to take place.

Take relationships slowly and cautiously. Maybe marriage isn't for you and that's OK. But remember a new relationship, this new person and this new situation are different and deserve consideration. Marriage 1 has changed you for the better. Life at 40 looks and feels wholly different than life in your 20s. Call it maturity, positive psychology, mindfulness or whatever you'd like, but I've changed for the better and I have my soulmate to enjoy life alongside. If you're looking to remarry, forgive yourself and forgive your ex -- your failed marriage was 50 percent your doing and 50 percent your ex's.

Second Marriages Are More Likely To End In Divorce. Here's Why

Forgive, find inner peace and let it go. You deserve happiness, love and a second chance. You know what marriage is really like, warts and all. Things felt different on our wedding day. This time there was no luxurious unknown and all that we carried with us -- the children, the first marriages, the fears -- floated in with the second vows. The air was heavy, it seemed like there was so much more to lose. But it was also brimming with the magic that comes with second chances. I guess it feels heavier because we know things the second time around. Good things and bad things.

But we also know what works and what makes it better. We made our vows to each other in the voice of the people we are, not the people we want to try to be. Accept the weight you bring. Believe that you are stronger in the places that were broken from divorce. Keep your eyes open wide, but take the chance anyway. There is more to lose the second time, sure. With age -- and a tough divorce -- comes great wisdom. I looked at the mistakes I made and our incompatibilities because I was determined that I would not make the same mistakes again.

I know for sure that I appreciate my second husband much more because of what I went through with the first one; it was a life lesson. Don't give up on love. While I was going through my divorce, I created a mantra for myself that I would repeat several times a day: I will not be bitter. And I will love again.

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