A Hell of Mercy: A Meditation on Depression and the Dark Night of the Soul
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Like cliffs of stone, like the desert and the sky. Eventually, from sheer exhaustion, I began to try to learn to live with it. By this time, my wife and I had moved to Tidewater Virginia, trading in the scrap of grass and garden behind our apartment in San Francisco for an old farmhouse and two acres of weeds amid soybean fields and swamps. Reduced to inarticulate prayers for mercy and messy wrestling with the demons of despair, I watched literal dust settle on my work-in-progress, slow motes drifting onto the pages out of shafts of morning sun.
In the afternoon, I pushed a lawn mower around and around our infinite lawn in the soggy Tidewater heat, and in the evening, I drank a beer or two, watched the nightly news like everyone else in America, and tried to be decent to my loving and long-suffering wife. I had learned at last not to blame my darkness on those around me. I knew perfectly well that I had a good marriage with a wonderful woman, a beautiful home, and the only job I had ever wanted. I had a life that most of the people on the planet would trade for in a second, but all this meant in practice was that there was nowhere left to run.
It seemed to me that, in just about every way that mattered, I had simply disappeared. There is an old joke about a farmer who decided to save money by teaching his horse to go without food. The horse, being a horse, plodded on stolidly, if somewhat lethargically, and the plan seemed to be working pretty well. The farmer was soon saving twenty dollars a week.
Unfortunately, just about the time he had gotten the horse trained to go without food entirely, the damn thing died. I felt that God was performing a similar experiment with me. For perhaps five minutes a day, my fevered brain would cool into acceptance, and I would grow calm and peaceful, reconciled to my nothingness. Yet deeper into acceptance is the only way to go. A fathomless sinking into a fathomless nothingness. If you have reached the point where this makes any sense at all to you, God help you.
Because you are finally prepared to understand that no one and nothing else can.
We have, in the deepest sense, arrived. And we are nowhere. It is unnerving at first to glimpse the life beyond the self. The world is still an infinite desert to us. We are still useless, hopeless, and helpless. But here we are, still breathing in the darkness, immersed in a secret peace. The worst has happened, and it turns out to be a surprisingly lovely, quiet thing. But in the telling it sounds dishearteningly morbid.
The embrace of a fathomless nothingness is not exactly the American Dream. So you go back to your secret quiet, deep inside your cocoon of misery. Now, it appeared, April had graduated. Her voice was bright, strong, and full of laughter. She was pulling together a major show, surviving the wreck of a relationship with wisdom and humor, and painting beautifully. She had joined a gym and she was buff. She was having breakthroughs in therapy. And, oh yeah, by the way: The next day I told my wife that I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist and asking about antidepressants.
She nodded supportively, ducked her head, and began to sob quietly from gratitude and relief. A good proportion of the side effects duly occurred, but about a week after I started on the drug, I was driving home one afternoon with a bag of groceries and a pack of cigarettes, and I noticed how beautiful the winter trees were in the crystalline February light. That got my attention, all right. It seemed like forever since I had noticed any trees. Would my dark night have ended without drugs? Not when it did, certainly.
This bothered me quite a bit, until a friend of mine told me a joke: It seems there was a man who lived beside a river. One day, a hard rain fell in the mountains, and the water upstream began to rise. Soon the water had reached his porch; it poured into his living room and started rising up the stairs. The man climbed out onto his roof, and another neighbor in a boat paddled by and told him to hop in.
Finally, even the rooftop was awash. The man climbed into a nearby tree, praying pretty hard by now, clinging to the branches as they swayed in the torrent. I sent you those reports on the radio and the TV , I sent the guy on the bicycle and the guy in the boat, and finally I sent a helicopter. What more did you want from me? I think the K-Mart pharmacy is an outpost of heaven. When the work is done, it is time to move on.
Within three months of my introduction to Effexor, the novel that had been stalled for a year and a half was finished.
A Hell of Mercy: A Meditation on Depression and the Dark Night of the Soul
I was socializing with my family and friends again, and making new friends. I was teaching Sunday school to first-graders and could tell them without rolling my eyes that God was a good and merciful God. I felt that my life had been given back to me in an immeasurably heightened way.
A Hell of Mercy: A Meditation on Depression and the Dark Night of the Soul Hardcover – February 3, n this unflinching look at depression and the human struggle to find hope in its midst, acclaimed author Tim Farrington writes with heartrending honesty of his lifelong. A Meditation on Depression and the Dark Night of the Soul . writes with heartrending honesty of his lifelong struggle with the condition he calls "a hell of mercy.
I still missed her, of course, missed her laughter and her stories and the sheer vigor of her spirit; I even missed her terrible driving. But the grief was warm and sweetened now, like honeyed tea, a liquid, gentle heat within. I wished she could have stuck around to see her son grow up. I knew perfectly well that I had accomplished nothing. But there were no pieces left, not even a shred. Everything I thought I was had been demolished. My old self had melted away like cotton candy in the rain, but I had no sense at all of having actively fashioned a new one.
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But he has the understanding. And in a world where mental illness is so maligned, misunderstood, and feared, that is enough - in fact it is the best thing it could be. Sep 24, Anita Dalton rated it it was amazing Shelves: This was an erudite, elegant book and I am glad I read it. As I read it, I found myself questioning decisions I have made about my own brain chemistry, and after reevaluation, I decided my impulse to simply leave my brain alone and let it be, treatable illness though I may have, was the correct decision.
There is very little in common between Farrington in me aside from wonky chemical reactions that affect our minds, so the ability of his words to affect me and touch me seem almost miraculous. Read my entire review here.
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Nov 25, Shonna Froebel rated it it was ok. This memoir of a lifelong struggle with depression begins with Farrington's late adolescent onset and continues to the present. Farrington underwent medical treatment and tried various therapies but, like many creative individuals found many medications stifling to his creativity.
At one point he entered a monastery in search of a solution and discovered in their library writings that were helpful to him then, and remain a source of comfort and inspiration now. His struggle resulted in the death This memoir of a lifelong struggle with depression begins with Farrington's late adolescent onset and continues to the present. His struggle resulted in the death of one marriage and reached it nadir with the death of his mother from stomach cancer.
He discusses how reaching the bottom is what led him to a true recognition of his illness and how he feels God led him to a solution. I found this memoir interesting, although it had moments of overblown writing eg. Aug 30, Allison rated it really liked it Recommends it for: Folks interested in self-help books. This was an interesting look at a journey through depression coupled with a journey on the road to spiritual fulfillment. I was very interesting but honestly, I feel like I would need at least one more full reading of it to get the most from it.
I found it more profound than I had expected it would be based on its small-size, its readability and almost conversational style of writing. My initial take on this book is that there is a parallel between depression and feeling spiritually lost. One of This was an interesting look at a journey through depression coupled with a journey on the road to spiritual fulfillment. One of the keys to working through both is continuing to try to work through them, not losing hope. Writing is one of the ways one can do that. Of course, this take could be totally off-base but it is my initial feeling after one reading where I am freely acknowledging at least another reading is needed for me to really get the author's message.
Oct 30, Lisa rated it it was ok. I should have learned more about this book before reading it. As a person who has experienced serious depression, I am often interested in reading first-hand accounts of how others cope with the condition. Unfortunately for me, Farrington's experience of depression was of little relevance to me.
His view of depression as some sort of purging of the soul, loss of ego, feeling absent from God, etc. He seemed to believe that there was great value in suffering, and he allowe I should have learned more about this book before reading it. He seemed to believe that there was great value in suffering, and he allowed himself to experience this suffering in ways that caused pain in the lives of others.
Jan 06, Marilyn rated it it was amazing. Later on the author starts writing a few things that make sense, but I am not sure it will be helpful for me. It was the symbol of my endurance, if nothing else. If you have reached the point where this makes any sense at all to you, God help you. From there you can navigate to the title you are interested in.
I do not believe in the God portrayed in this book or in the book of Job, one who would deliberately cause horrible suffering. The only thing of value to me in this book was the references to other authors' works on depression. I will choose my reading material more wisely in the future. Oct 18, Patty rated it really liked it Shelves: I found this book by accident - serendipity is a wonderful thing. Farrington has had trouble with depression since he was a teen, but is more than willing to share what he has gone through with others.
Not an easy story, but he tells it well.
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Only someone who has been depressed can write as this author does. I am amazed that he can write so succinctly about such a tough topic. I appreciate what Farrington has to say about depression and the dark night of the soul. I may have to revisit this book I found this book by accident - serendipity is a wonderful thing. I may have to revisit this book at another time. Jun 11, Joseph Gowen rated it liked it. I'm sure this book might be more meaningful to anyone who has struggled with depression, but I mostly felt like an outsider eavesdropping on a clique speaking in code.
Why I gave it three stars is he has some profound conclusions tying depression to spiritual growth. I liked his theme that depression isn't always a bad thing and is sometimes necessary to come closer to God; that we must accept our nothingness and turn over our spirits to Him. Mar 04, Marcella rated it liked it Shelves: Too much theology in this for my tastes but it still had value and meaning because of his acutely honest telling of his own experiences of depression and the many ways in which it preys on the soul.
Feb 18, Suzi rated it really liked it. Recommended by Mitali Perkins. Dec 05, Andy rated it really liked it. Mar 10, Jen rated it liked it Shelves: Check out my review at http: Feb 04, Darlene Hrbek rated it it was amazing. Wonderful references - puts rough times into perspective. Nov 29, Angela rated it really liked it. If you've ever been really, truly depressed, you need to read this book. Feb 24, Grace rated it it was ok Shelves: I think there were some interesting ideas, but I could not pay attention long enough to get them. Kirsten rated it did not like it Mar 25, Carmen rated it really liked it May 25, Isabella rated it it was amazing Jun 07, Jennifer rated it did not like it Dec 05, Tracy rated it really liked it Sep 11, Please note that your username is an e-mail address.
Download your e-book s from your bookshelf. Specialty Booksellers Interest-specific online venues will often provide a book buying opportunity. International Customers If you are located outside the U. About Product Details Praise n this unflinching look at depression and the human struggle to find hope in its midst, acclaimed author Tim Farrington writes with heartrending honesty of his lifelong struggle with the condition he calls "a hell of mercy.
But Tim Farrington with intellectual rigor and great candor lays out his relationship to both religious suffering and clinical solutions. A Hell of Mercy is an important book. For all of us craving salvation, this is essential reading, a mysterious atlas of the sacred. Farrington is both a guide and a muse: This meditation will be most useful to someone who is facing similar struggles.
Fortunately, I quickly reread his book and saw the light. He writes about his slow crawl to regular, functional life with beauty, cleverness, bone-breaking honesty and a deep, hard-won appreciation for the holy. Laced with wry jokes and anecdotes, like the most accessible teachings, this volume is a healing gift. We commend the author for opening the doors to both depression and the dark night of the soul and for dealing in a meaningful way with the spiritual practice of surrender to God. The Evolving Self by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
How to Be a Christian by C. The Monk Downstairs by Tim Farrington. Undivided by Vicky Beeching. Get Lost by Stephen Prothero. Grateful by Diana Butler Bass.